Doug Van Pelt

Confessions of a coward.

I have lost and backed away from more fights than I've won. Let's see. I remember my first day of riding the bus to school. I seem to recall that it was a kid younger than me, which would mean it was first grade, but it might've been kindergarten. (Like it really matters now) Anyway, this smaller kid that I under-estimated and I got into it and he bloodied my nose or something. My older sister had to walk me back to the house and I must've gotten a ride to school in my mom's safe and warm car. It might've been our '65 Mustang even. I didn't have any more troubles with that kid. Sometimes just standing up to someone and fighting them resolves the conflict issue -- even if you end up losing the fight. I'd say I lost that one.

I think it was in 6th grade where I won my only fight -- and that is disputable. For some reason, I wanted to fight someone and I had it in for this one guy that was a year older than I. Billy Juhaz lived up the street and one day he was playing baseball out in the street with our mutual friends. As I was riding my bike down the hill past their game, he yelled at me that my mom had been calling me home for dinner. I said something like, "I know, ya faggot!" I got off my bike as he walked over. When he got close, I swung a left hook that connected with him. Shocked, he said, "What'd ya do that for?" I shrieked back, "Cuz I hate ya!" And then we raised our fists and started slugging it out. I remember hearing David McNeal remark how we were standing toe to toe with each other and just exchanging blows to each other's face. My sister's boyfriend, Wesley, was sitting on our front porch, smiling at this fight that I'd told him I was going to start. Eventually we were wrestling on the ground and my mom came out and started screaming at us to stop. By the time she got close enough to break it up, I jumped up and yelled, "The champ!" Billy looked at me and said something like, "Whatever!" (though I'm sure that wasn't it, because that phrase wasn't in vogue in 1976.) It was more like a draw, and that was the closest I've ever come to winning a real fistfight. Oh well. My mom made me go to his house later and apologize. His parents made him do the same. I'm glad I didn't get wholly blamed for that fight, because his braces might've gotten damaged. We became friends and hung out a little bit after that.

I don't remember any more fights until I was in junior high. One kid in my home room, Sidney Pollino, "called me out," (which I learned was the phrase to use back then in that place, kinda like "Will you go with me?" was the way to ask a girl to go steady...) and I met him after school. We were duking it out and he was getting the better of me when an adult walked up and broke up the fight, yelling at us and forcing us to separate and walk away. Sidney described me as a bruised and bloody mess, I think, because when his friends saw me the next morning, they acted like he was lying, "He doesn't look that bad!"

8th grader Roger Bolles threatened me when I was in seventh grade for throwing my rolled up gym shirt and shorts at him on the bus. "You do that again and I'll kick your (bleep)!" I proceeded to laugh and do it again. I faced off with him in the middle of a circle of about 4 or 5 friends at the bus stop. He connected with my face with about every punch and I pretty much only swung at the air. We never had a problem with each other before or since.

In 8th grade a classmate, whom I later learned was an instigator and troublemaker, asked me a question about Tom Porter not being at our school anymore. "If he was here, I'd kick his (bleep)!" I proclaimed. This guy (I think his name was Todd ... thanks a lot, Todd) lived close to Tom, and he told him the next day what I'd said. I was over at my friend Tommy Lovelace's house when Tom arrived on his bicycle. We played some football together and at some point he told me what Todd said. "Did you say that?" he asked me. I lied. I told him that I hadn't said that. I was pretty confident that I wouldn't be able to live up to my boast, so I backed down by lying. I remember him scrunching up in anticipation of my tackle on a play later on, which made me feel better about being a lying and inferior fighter. I have to say, though, I respect the guy for coming to me to defend his honor. As much as I thought of him as a simple-minded bully type, you've gotta respect someone that'll do that. If I could do it all over again, I'd fess up to him that I'd said such and such, but also tell him that I was sorry and didn't want to fight, and it'd be nice to pay him the respect he was due for his actions.

In high school there was only 2 or 3 opportunities to fight, as I obviously never looked for them. Two were with the same guy. He was the older brother of my best friend. Both times I backed down from him. The second time was in the cafeteria when we were taking a test on the football team. I think all the offensive players had to show that they knew the plays in our playbook. This guy, Mike Z, quietly threatened me. I'm not sure anyone else overheard, but if our defensive coordinator overheard, I kind of wish I would have stood up to the guy, because I could've scored "bravery" points.

The other high school fight opportunity came from another older brother of a friend. I had been out with my friends on a friday night. We had been partying in his car and stopped by the school parking lot to check out the high school dance that was going on after a football game. While walking across the parking lot, I spied a pair of Lightning Bolt sandals that I really liked. Since they were abandoned in the parking lot, I took them with me to the car. As we were preparing to leave, a California Highway Patrolman stationed in the parking lot approached the car. He asked me to return the sandals I took, as he'd watched the owner leave them there and then saw me take them. I returned them, while the police officer noticed the smell of marijuana around the car. He searched the vehicle, found a bag of weed and a bong. He confiscated both, arrested one of my friends (the rest of us split, I recall). His older brother, Chris C, blamed me for losing this expensive contraband and approached me with a threat in my neighborhood one day soon after. He said he'd heard me real bad -- "put you in the hospital" type damage, he said, unless I paid him back. Even though I was in shape and physically fit, I was fearful of taking on someone else with unknown fighting abilities. Another friend and I went to the parking lot of the nearby commisary/base exchange, where there was a hose and water faucet and washed cars one saturday. Since the senior class students often did fund-raiser car washes there, many passersby assumed that this was one of those, and we did some brisk business. I pocketed $35 and later gave it to Chris C and his friend, who visited my house, I assume, to back up his threat if I didn't pay up. One of our teachers at school had even caught wind of this extortion and he told me not to dare pay this guy any money, but to avoid the possibility of physical harm, I backed down.

While part of me regrets not facing the danger and fighting these guys, I am also fairly respectful of the increased risk involved when young men fight. The potential for lasting physical damage is greater. For better or worse, this is how it happened and I'm here now. I'm not proud to admit I was a coward, but just like your victories, you can forget and get past your defeats.

Why-TING

Today is a writing day.
Am taking today off as a day of posting one "Online Exclusive" per day. We've got a bunch of raw, exclusive interviews to post. Next week I'll plan on posting the Brad Noah interview, Jonezetta, The Almost (yes, the "pooped in my pants it was so hot" interview), Ruth, and interviews with authors Lee Strobel and Erwin McManus.

I think Syntax Records does a great job with hip-hop. I wish we had some hip-hop labels supporting our hip-hop section. We did a big 2-page feature article on a hot hip-hop artist, along with a sidebar of news + reviews of new stuff. I liked being able to show some respect to a genre that is raw and intense like metal (but in a very different way, stylistically, of course). I liked being able to defend a genre that is effectively ignored in the Christian music scene. But anyway, HM is a hard music magazine, which is related, and that's why we had that section, but I always hoped labels that did hip-hop would support it. There was a little of that, but it petered out. When ad sales dipped a little and I had to pick something to nix from the mag, I took out the "Intermission" section, the hip-hop section, the "Classic Moments" section, and one page from the Hard News. I hate having to make decisions like that, but it's kinda necessary when the ads aren't there. We gotta pay those print bills somehow, ya know.

Some people hate hip-hop and they voice their concerns whenever they see any hints that it might get covered in HM. I appreciate the fact that the vast majority of HM readers (I think) trust me to be balanced and stay true to what we're about. If you wonder what we're about, let me just say "Living Sacrifice." That kinda covers it, doesn't it? If that's not enough, I'll say "Underoath."

Google Chrome

Hey - if you could be the leading web browser in your field; or get Mad Cow Disease, which would you choose?

I am using the new web browser, Google Chrome, and ... so far, so good. I like it. I have been a fan of the open source innovations, like google documents, which I scrapped my old message board for a few months ago. I like to use the docs feature to share documents I'm working on with other magazine folks.

I reviewed the new Paramore live album this morning and I'm hoping to get a few hours of writing done today. I'm listening to Johnny Cash read me the book of Mark. I'm reviewing Cash Chapter & Verse, which is a Bible on DVD. I'm excited about this new issue.

Instead of reading Mark, chapter 11 for a blog devotional, I listen to Johnny read it. Earlier we looked at how people worshiped Jesus as He rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. In chapter 13, it mentions how He was hungry and a fig tree let Him down. He cursed the living thing, in a sense, telling it that it would never bear fruit again. This is kind of funny. On one hand, it showed off His power over the natural world. On the other hand, it could almost be seen as an abuse of His power. which is exactly the kind of thing He chose not to do in His time on earth for 33 years. It was as if He put Himself under a self-imposed limitation, leaving His powers as God untouched and unused, except for the leading of His Father (through, I presume, the Holy Spirit). On face value, it appears that He cursed this plant simply out of frustration for not providing Him some nourishment when He wanted it. I wouldn't accuse Jesus of doing this, thing, as I respect Him and trust that my lack of understanding is the fault here, not His actions. Maybe He said this simply for His disciples' benefit, for it plainly says that they heard it in verse 14. The guys pass by this fig tree later the next morning, where they see it dried up from the roots. Jesus took this point to encourage them to have faith and to ask God for miracles and moving mountains, as well as forgiving others.

There was the big scene in the temple in this chapter as well, where He turned over tables and rebuked the deceptive money changers and reminded them, "My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations."

We need photos of the ranch!

Every once in a while I get these facebook comments about tweets that I've posted. A couple came in today asking for photos of the horses. These are our neighbors' horses, who graze on our land.







Tiger and his brothers are always eager for a little affection.







From the sounds of it, my mom had never had good Texas BBQ brisket before. This was probably my greatest joy this Christmas season -- turning her on to this great Texas staple. mmmm-hmmm, good!

In your account of tact, your balance is zero

A nameless artist laid into me not too long ago for failing to carefully edit an online interview we did with him/her. Now, being lazy and not giving this uncut Q&A a better editing, I deserved to be criticized and I admit that. But the tone and the "...if I'd have known you were going to print it like this, I wouldn't have granted the interview" type attitude made me feel like, 'Man, now I know why you've had such a struggle with your career -- you let people around you that fail you receive your wrath with little to no editing yourself.' Now, in fairness, maybe this was an isolated case. But, if I'm right about a pattern of behavior, or even if not, it brings up a point I want to discuss. It's sad that some people don't control their tongues and use a bit more tact when they express themselves.

The good thing about the nature of some folks that suffer from this lack-of-tact disease (I like to call it "tone deafness") is that they either forget what they've done or they get over it quickly. It's emotionally draining to put up with a lack of impulse control around you, but recognizing it helps quite a bit, because one can compensate for it and not take it personally.

On my side of the offensive interaction, I could hold a grudge against said artist and, to be honest, it will be hard not to hold a few degrees of grudge (disguised as disrespect). Now that I've seen him/her act in an unbecoming way, it's hard not to expect that out of them again. Without opening myself up to actual physical harm or serious business mistakes (both of which are unlikely), wouldn't it be true forgiveness if I thought the best of this person? Rather than hold this against them, true love would forget it and move on. Wow! That'll be a hard one. With the Holy Spirit's help (by the way, isn't He the member of the trinity that talks to us and guides us here on earth?), perhaps I can remember this commitment to forgive and forget if/when the time comes up where I interact with this person again.

It's interesting, too, to note that part of me wants that person to apologize. It's like I'm saying, "Hey, I'll forgive you, but only if you first feel bad about what you did." That's kind of a self-righteous smugness that is just not right. It's certainly not a characteristic of true forgiveness. True forgiveness doesn't need the other person to act. Like my pastor said recently (and I blogged about it then, it takes two people to reconcile, but only one to forgive.