This chapter is called Love makes sacrifices.
The opening two paragraphs are good:
Life can be hard. But what we usually mean is that our life can be hard. We’re the first to feel it when we’re the ones being mistreated or inconvenienced. We’re quick to sulk when we’re the ones who feel deprived or unappreciated. When life is difficult for us, we notice.
But too often the only way we notice that life is hard for our mate is when they start complaining about it. Then instead of genuinely caring or rushing in to help, we might think they just have a bad attitude. The pain and pressure they’re under don’t register with us the way it does when it’s our pain and pressure. When we want to complain, we expect everyone to understand and feel sorry for us.
Wow. I’m cut to the quick here. I wish this wasn’t true of me! What a bunch of loving opportunities I’ve wasted! I think I’m a pretty good listener, so when I’ve received complaints I think I’m doing something good. Of course, I’m also guilty of sometimes being defensive when receiving complaints. I’ll respond by trying to justify myself, like: “But I’m not that bad!” I’m so disappointed in myself. This second chapter puts it so well. If you read between the lines you can see that a good spouse will read the signs of wear and tear and be able to help correct problems or assist their spouse in something difficult BEFORE being asked to or before hearing a complaint. Man, I want to be that spouse that is so in tune with my better half that I know when something’s wrong at the very earliest stages – and I do something about it!
I don’t want to be the kind of lousy, lazy husband that hears a complaint and then responds (and sometimes not even then). I have a good friend that always makes me laugh. I won’t name any names, but he has a man-crush on Mark Salomon, likes King’s X and the Dallas Cowboys. Sometimes he gets serious. He loves his wife and he will tell others, “Listen to your wives, brothers. Listen! Usually the thing they’re bringing up is something they’ve been thinking about for awhile.” So true, brother Rob. (whoops!)
This is golden advice. I am taking heed. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be a good lover? I’m not talking about sex here (though the same goes for that, too), but the all-encompassing all-over-life thing that love is. My favorite definition of love was coined by the great DVP. “Love is a commitment to serve, no matter what.” (Wait, did I just pat myself on the back for that quote? I need to mature … desperately!) Imagine if we were so good at loving our spouse that they just wore a smile all the time.
Dang it! Why are my eyes only being opened to this now? Why couldn’t I have lived these attitudes for the past 19 years of my marriage? Well, there’s not much use in regretting the past. I can do something about the future. It’s so simple: put another person’s needs above your own. Dwell on pleasing them. Done properly, this will not be an unhealthy, co-dependent and spineless mish-mash of gooey emotions. This will be a loving through strength keen eye on the needs of another. I like that idea.
And the chapter jumps right in here in the third paragraph:
…Love doesn’t have to be jarred awake by your mate’s obvious signs of distress. Before worries and troubles have begun to bury them, love has already gone into action mode. It sees the weight beginning to pile up and it steps in to help. That’s because love wants you to be sensitive to your spouse.
Love makes sacrifices. It keeps you so tuned in to what your spouse needs that you often respond without being asked. And when you don’t notice ahead of time and must be told what’s happening, love responds to the heart of the problem.
Crap! Crap, crap, crap! I thought I was being a loving husband when I responded to my wife and did what she said. Yes, there was certainly a measure of love (at least in my motivation) at listening to and responding to the perceived needs that I saw. But why couldn’t I be the one leading in my marriage? I’m not talking about the guy role vs. female role here. I’m talking for everyone here. Why can’t each of us rise up and take the lead in loving our spouse? Know ahead of time (when possible) of our spouse’s needs and going into action before it becomes a problem? Man, I’m learning here in this chapter. I feel like I’m at a marriage rally and I’m sitting there thinking, “Amen! Amen! I want to do this! I want to be this kind of spouse!” I apologize for getting a little personal here. I can hardly help myself. I like these ideas.
Here’s more goodness:
Even when your mate’s stress comes out in words of personal accusation, love shows compassion rather than becoming defensive. Love inspires you to say “no” to what you want, in order to say “yes” to what your spouse needs.
That’s what Jesus did. “He laid down His life for us” to show us that “we should also lay down our lives” for others. He taught us that the evidence of love is found in seeing a need in others, then doing all we can to satisfy it. “For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me” (Matthew 25:35-36).
These are the types of needs you should be looking for in your wife or husband. Instead of sitting around upset that they’re not treating you the way you think they should, let love pick you up out of your self-pity and turn your attention to their needs.
Is he “hungry” – needing you sexually, even when you don’t feel like it?
Is she “thirsty” – craving the time and attention you seem able to give to everyone else?
Does he feel like a “stranger” – insecure in his work, needing home to be a refuge and sanctuary?
Is she “naked” – frightened or ashamed, desperate for the warm covering of your loving affirmation?
Is he feeling “sick” – physically tired and needing you to help guard him from interruptions?
Does she feel in “prison” – fearful and depressed, needing some safety and intervention?Love is willing to make sacrifices to see that the needs of your spouse are given your very best effort and focus. When your mate is overwhelmed and under the gun, love calls you to set aside what seems so essential in your own life to help, even if it’s merely the gift of a listening ear.
Often all they really need it just to talk this situation out. They need to see in your two attentive eyes that you truly care about what this is costing them, and you’re serious about helping them seek answers. They need you to pray with them about what to do, and then keep following up to see how it’s going.
The words “How can I help you?” need to stay fresh on your lips.
The solutions may be simple and easy for you to do, or they may be complex and expensive, requiring time, energy, and great effort. Either way, you should do whatever you can to meet the real needs of the one who is a part of who you are. After all, when you help them, you are also helping yourself. That’s the beautiful part of sacrificing for your spouse. Jesus did it for us. And He extends the grace to do it for others.
Today’s Love Dare:
What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.
I’m posting this blog today – essentially skipping over chapter 27 – because I read that chapter while at Cornerstone last week and didn’t have internet access to post. Hopefully the sequence will not be a big deal here. I’ll post The Love Dare.27 asap.
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