I am sitting on a plane flying to Philadelphia. I have my laptop open on my tray table, like one of those commuter guys, working on spreadsheets or other work they’re traveling for. I feel a sense of joy knowing that my work is creative. I also have the most wonderful freedom in the world – I work for my own company. I am self-employed. While I need to impose deadlines and goals upon myself to succeed, I can literally do what I want. Right now I want to talk about what I’ve been struggling with for days and weeks and even months this year.

A week ago from last Tuesday I went to a job interview. I applied for a job as a graphic designer with a successful realty firm – Apartment Realty Advisers (ARA). As I drove from Hutto (a growing suburb North of Austin) I thought about what I was doing. It was easy to feel kind of strange. First of all, I was wearing slacks, a nice shirt and dress shoes. This is a far cry from my own personal dress code: shorts and t-shirts. Secondly, I was going to an interview where I was hoping to make a good impression on someone that had the decision-making power to hire me or not. That’s a bit unusual for me, too, because I’ve been able to carve out a nice environment to work in. I don’t have to try real hard to impress other people, so I don’t. I always try to use tact and make an effort to get along with others, keeping peace as well as making new acquaintances. There’s a big difference between that and the “kissing up” that a job interview can entail.

The great thing about this job I applied for, however, is I was soon to find out that I was more capable and prepared for it than I first thought. I was instructed to bring my portfolio, which first partly put much fear and intimidation into me. A portfolio is one of those things that a great artistic talent has in a bound satchel of sorts that show off art pieces they created by hand. I knew, though, that my portfolio was really HM Magazine. I knew I could place some recent copies on the table (as well as some postcards, stickers, mailing labels, media kit folders and a couple posters). This would either impress them or not. I was confident that it would.

During the interview, I was told by the person that I’d be working for (for a couple months and then absent for a year, for this person was taking maternity leave) that they used a lot of templates here. She sheepishly told me that it didn’t really provide a lot of creative freedom for a graphic designer. I see her point. Most creative people like to explore their creative side and not be restricted too much. But my experience with HM Magazine (especially after our re-design in 2003) was one with templates. We have a really nice, clean look and feel in our pages. I think my strength is taking the elements I have and arranging them in a way that looks good. I kind of feel like a Barry Switzer, who was given the coaching reigns of the Dallas Cowboys right after they’d won two back-to-back Super Bowls. All I have to do is not screw it up and we’ll win. That’s the beauty of a template.

This company will get a property that they’ll list with investors. We’re talking multi-unit dwellings, like apartment complexes, purposeful living communities, manufactured housing and student housing. This company is kind of like a franchise, with a headquarters in Atlanta, but the one here in Austin oversees the Austin and San Antonio areas with apartment communities, as well as having national accounts for manufactured homes and student housing. This diversity has helped them thrive in the past two difficult years.

I was told that there would be some late hours when meeting deadlines, etc. It seems the more details I learned, the more I felt well-suited for the job. However, I also kind of hoped that I would not be offered the job. How would I work on HM Magazine and do this full-time job at the same time? HM would have to be a weekend and perhaps late-night venture. It would tax my time as a father and a husband.

Having started HM Magazine over 25 years ago, it’s kind of like a baby to me. I have lofty goals with this magazine. I want to change the world. Nothing like aiming for the sky, huh? Taking on a full-time job like this might mean an end to this dream of HM. I don’t know. My initial goal would be to keep it alive, but the wear and tear of a full-time and demanding job might ravage that goal.

At the end of the interview I was asked back for a final interview, where I’d meet the owner and perhaps go over packages like salary, benefits, etc. On my way out I ask to see her work station, so I could get a feel of where I’d be working. A big desk, two flat-screen monitors. Adobe CS3 software (which is what I use) and a great view of the outdoors from a corner suite.

What’s funny about this job interview is that it was to take place on Wednesday, August 25^th. The day before was my wife’s birthday and we were out eating lunch and I joked about robbing an armored car to help finance HM and solve our financial woes. “Which would be worse?” I asked. “Getting caught and going to prison or getting away with it and carrying that guilt around, knowing at any time you could be found out and taken away?” Charlotta replied about how it was “funny that you’d talk about going to the extreme of robbing an armored car, but not go to the extreme of switching places with me and having me go back to work (as a nurse).”

Half a year ago, I guess, we talked about how I’d need to rise to her level as a homeschool teacher for our kids if we switched places. That was terribly intimidating. She not only is good at teaching and organized and all over the daily routine of schooling, but she has a great head on her shoulders and always seems to be thinking ahead. She’s got a long-range perspective that will help her plan the next semester and the next year – even thinking as far ahead as their college education. I kind of cowered at that high level of wisdom in this area and said, “There’s no way I could be at your level.”

But on this day something clicked and a light went on. I realized that, if I applied myself as diligently as I would be doing at a graphic design job, then I could teach at a high level like that. Lord willing, at least. I considered for the first time throwing myself into this effort with my full attention – not as a part time interruption from my main gig – then I could do it.

This night-before-the-big-interview perspective kind of changed things for me. I drove down Mopac through downtown Austin with a slightly different attitude than I might have had if I had not had the conversation I did the day before. It’s almost like I didn’t want the job. But, because things aren’t going that great for HM Magazine these days, I knew it was the right thing to take steps towards taking care of and providing for my family. So, I don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I am taking steps forward. I’m not standing still until I have it all figured out, but am moving forward and exploring my options as I move.

The interview goes well. I’m invited back for a final interview. At the final interview I have to wear something else nice – but not the same pants and shirt as the last interview. Since I’ve put back on some of the weight I had lost in the last couple of years (I went from 170 back up to 190), my clothing options are pretty limited (unless we’re talking shorts and t-shirts).

In the second interview I meet Pat, the owner. He seems really nice and does a good job of explaining the roles of the various people here and how fast and busy the environment gets. I meet with another guy who is the chief broker at the place. I get along with all of them. I ask a lot of questions and start to gauge how well I might fit in here. I’m told that I’ll find out on Friday, which is today.

Will I get the job? If I get offered the job, will I take it?

Part two

When I was in Southern California last weekend, I replied to the question about “How is HM Magazine doing?” the way I always do – honestly. “It’s going terrible,” I laugh. I told Terry “The Animal” Russell (former drummer for Holy Soldier, current drummer for Neon Cross) about how I had a couple of job options in front of me. He, along with another two people at different times, offered to share their perspective. He told me a story of an Olympic swimmer who’d always dreamed of swimming to Catalina Island from the shores of California. Apparently the surf got real bad, a fog came in and made visibility really bad. She was encouraged to carry on, but she asked for help and she was giving up. Someone in a boat told her, “Keep going, it can’t be much farther,” but she was done. When she climbed into a boat the fog lifted and she saw that she was so close to Catalina. I was encouraged to not give up on the dream.

I wanted to blog about this experience, because it’s real for me. I like to share my struggles in this setting. I’ve got so many great friends and supporters of the magazine and the popular encouragement I get is that they appreciate honesty like this.

However, I also wanted to be careful about my timing. If I blogged about this and posted it before they made their decision, it could jeopardize my chances at a job offer. “Look at this, guys! He doesn’t even want the job here! Our decision is easy now!” So, I wanted to wait a little bit, even though sharing in real-time is exciting.