I can’t help but think of the great Zao song, “5 Year Winter,” where the chorus gangs in with that refrain:

“…burn it down and walk away. BURN IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY!”

I had to consider that the end was near for HM Magazine. The ever-important advertising sales really took a dip a little over a year ago. After four below-our-standard issues in a row, I made the tough decision to lay off our ad sales staff. After taking over for the past year I have done no better. It’s increased my workload to the point where it’s hard to step back and do that business management thing – looking at profit/loss statements and tracking income, expenses, etc. We’ve certainly done a lot of trimming of our expenses. I think we’ve cut as much as we can – especially after cutting areas that weren’t obvious, like looking under rocks and discovering a way to save money.

I’ve long been a proponent of the concept that we are valuable in the Lord’s eyes. I’ve even been called on the carpet by someone on this once, accusing me of theological error for the way I expressed this in a song: “In His eyes you’re worth every bit of His Only Son.” I will stand by that, because it is something I believe wholeheartedly. For example, God didn’t give half of His Son for us. He didn’t meet us halfway. He gave up His Only Son and every bit of His physical being. If we doubt our value in God’s eyes, we only need to look at what He paid to ransom us. That kind of love is amazing. For those of us who are parents: can you imagine sacrificing one of your children for the benefit of others? It’s unfathomable. That’s what God the Father did. Amazing… But my point is that our value comes in who we are. Our identity is based on who we are, not on what we do. However, when your livelihood is threatened and you have to face the end of your thing (in my case, HM Magazine) it’s easier to preach, teach and share these things than it is to live them. What would it be like to not attend as many shows, not get free music CDs in the mail, not be recognized for my work? These might be pride issues, but they’re also real things that would disappear and not experiencing that would create at least a temporary feeling of loss. It probably wouldn’t be wrong to mourn them for a short period.

The sense of purpose is a huge thing, too. While serving God in any capacity (which might include working for a cat food company, building roofs, collecting garbage, playing professional sports or repairing computers) is rewarding and certainly brings God joy; I get to promote music and art with a life-changing message. In a unique way, it can possibly spread God’s kingdom in the entertainment realm and in the lives of people all over the place. If that were to stop, it would be a serious hiccup in my routine, to say the least. I know that work is part of our time on earth and the process can be a wonderful thing – whether it’s so-called “secular” or “sacred,” – I do know that there are people working for Walmart that might dream of doing what I do.

Overall, it’s been a money-where-your-mouth is kind of wakeup call for me. A gut check. Am I willing to lay down HM Magazine?

If it is Thy will, I will burn it down and walk away.

There’s no shortcut for this kind of process. Well, actually, there are several shortcuts. I’m sure it’s possible to opt out of this type of challenge or struggle. It is possible to just quit or avoid the tough questions. But, deciding to face them – when the outcome is in question – is another thing altogether. I can’t say with all certainty that, “Hey, I’ve given this thing completely to the Lord and there’s no holding back.” I mean, I have come before Him in prayer with that type of surrendering attitude. But I’m not perfect. He knows if my heart is where it needs to be. In my heart, though, I kinda knew that I had to approach Him with a willingness to burn it down and walk away, so to speak. I had to be able to let go of HM Magazine. Yes, it’s a ministry. Yes, it’s a business. Yes, it’s something I enjoy. But sometimes we need to know (maybe for our benefit?) if it’s really His or if it’s really just ours.

Back in December I made an appointment with God. Like my “Mt. Sinai,” I had to find a place and spend some time with the Lord and have no agenda but to seek His face and ask about the future of this magazine. One thing I’ve learned about this sort of action is that I believe our whole selves seem to prepare for such a meeting … and I think God shows up. This is an entirely different theological discussion, but I’ll just say here that God is sovereign. God promises to be near to the broken-hearted and God is available. I don’t think we have to beat on drums or beat on ourselves to have some sort of mystical union with God, but I do think having a contrite heart and an expectant attitude helps.

In my mind, I was convinced I couldn’t play games with God. I had to be real. When I asked Him, “Do you want HM Magazine to end?” I had to be prepared to hear a “Yes” reply. I believe I was as open to listen as I could be. I was prepared for either answer. I had a notepad with me. I took notes – six pages worth. For what it’s worth, I don’t think God wants me to throw in the towel on HM Magazine. So I’m not.

I felt like God was asking me, “Who are you trying to please?” There are many people in the “audience.” With God being one of them, I need to make sure my efforts are to please Him. I want to honor Him by serving His people. I think one thing I can do to help the situation is to tell people how to support HM Magazine. Being practical can be a real good thing.

For the past year or so I’ve been focusing on making sure the content (i.e. “product”) of HM was as good as it can be. I’ve also tried to create packages of marketing vehicles that will serve ad clients in a beneficial way, so that after they’ve advertised they feel good about it and want to do it again. In other words, so they’ll get results.

So, even though I got a couple of issues dirty when this pile of magazines fell over on the wet ash pile, I wanted to get a visual of sacrificing the magazine on the altar. As a living sacrifice there is an attitude of giving praise and motivation towards God. I want to embody that and keep learning as I press on.

I just really wanted to share this struggle. Thanks for listening.