There are a number of helpful appendixes at the end of the book The Love Dare. There’s a chapter (or appendix) on “The Locks and Keys of Effective Prayer” and “20 Questions for Your Spouse” and “The Word of God in My Life.” I really like the fourth appendix: “Leading Your Heart.”
It is really the core of the entire book – leading your heart. If you’ve seen the movie Fireproof, you’ll remember the scenes where the two firemen are talking about their marriages. [SPOILER ALERT. Quit reading if you don’t want to learn some plot details.]
The one husband had really blown it with his wife. He had misaligned his priorities and he took his wife for granted. His wife found herself, it seems, letting her heart lead her. It wasn’t long before it was led astray. There were other people pursuing her. She noticed. She liked the way it felt. It’s amazing how the story turned and her heart was impacted by the genuine love her husband showed her. If I’m correct in interpreting how it happened, the husband learned how to lead his heart – even when he didn’t feel like it. In fact, he felt like doing the opposite. He felt rejection. He had tried to show his wife love and in one dramatic moment he thought maybe it had worked. She left him a letter. He opened it and then wept. It was divorce papers. If he followed his heart, it would be along the lines of all cap exclamations, like: “FINE! IF THAT’S WHAT SHE WANTS, I’LL DIVORCE HER!” But he was challenged by his loving dad to choose to love now, when it got hard.
It’s like hitting a wall and wanting to give up, but somehow continuing on. This guy took it to heart and he really connected with God and realized the unconditional love that his heavenly Father has for him. God changed his heart. He continued loving – even though it looked hopeless. He led his heart. He told it who was boss. He chose to follow God. Soon he learned that his heart was made for this kind of leading, this kind of godly direction and unconditional love.
His wife was hurt. Her choices were true rejection. It wasn’t nice. She was essentially spitting in his face, but he forgave her. He looked past that. He chose to lead his heart and to love her.
It’s a heart-warming story. Of course, it wouldn’t be a popular Christian movie if it didn’t have a happy ending. The thing that makes life so messy and dangerous sometimes is that we are not guaranteed a happy ending to all of our stories. In the end we will be with our God Who loves us and that is ultimate happiness, but we might lose our marriage. We might lose our job. We might lose our friends. Tragedy might strike close to home. If it were a formula for success, that would somehow make us all a little fake. The risk and reward being raw and wild are part of the life we have to live.
What’s Wrong with Following My Heart?
It’s foolish. The world says, “Follow your heart!” This is the philosophy of new age gurus, self-help seminars, and romantic pop songs. Because it sounds romantic and noble, it sells millions of records and books. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it actually is right. It means throwing caution and conscience to the wind and pursuing your latest whims and desires regardless of what good logic and counsel are saying. The Bible says, “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.” (Proverbs 28:26)It’s unreliable. People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable. They can fluctuate depending upon circumstances. In an effort to follow their hearts, people have abandoned their jobs to reignite a lousy garage band, lost their life savings following a whim on a horser race, or left their lifelong mate in order to chase an attractive coworker who’s been married twice already. What feels right in the height of sweet emotion often feels like a sour mistake a few years later. This selfish philosophy is also the source of countless divorces. It leads many to excuse themselves from their lifelong commitments because they no longer “feel in love.”
It’s corrupt. The truth is, our hearts are basically selfish and sinful. THe Bible says, “The heart is more deceiftful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus said, “Oout of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders” (Matthew 15:19). Unless our hearts are genuinely changed by God, they will continue to choose wrong things.
Another paragraph does a good job of explaining this:
Why is Following My Heart Not Enough?
Because our hearts are so subject to change and so utterly untrustworthy, the Scriptures communicate a much stronger message than “follow your heart.” The Bible instructs you to lead your heart. This means to take full responsibility for its condition and direction. Realize that you do have control over where your heart is. You have been given the power by God to take your heart off one thing and to set it on something else. The following verses all communicate a message of leading your heart:Proverbs 23:17 “Do not let your heart envy sinners.”
Proverbs 23:19 “Direct your heart in the way.”
Proverbs 23:26 “Give me your heart, my son, and let your eyes delight in my ways.”
1 Kings 8:61 “Let your heart therefore be wholly devoted to the Lord our God.”
John 14:27 “Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”
James 4:8 “Purify your hearts.”
James 5:8 “Strenghten your hearts.”
The next paragraph is crucial (because we always need to know “how” don’t we?):
How Do I Lead My Heart?
First, you need to understand that your heart follows your investment. Whatever you pour your time, money and energy into will draw your heart. This was true before you were married. You wrote letters, bought gifts, and spent time together as a couple, and your heart followed. When you stopped investing as much in the relationship and started pouring yourself into other things, your heart followed you there. If you are not in love with your spouse today, it may be because you stopped investing in your spouse yesterday.Check your heart. One of the keys to successfully leading your heart is to constantly be aware of where it is. Do you know what has your heart right now? You can tell by looking at where your time has gone in the past month, where you money has gone, and what you keep talking about.
Guard your heart. When something unhealthy tempts your heart, it is your responsibility to guard it against temptation. The Bible says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Don’t let your heart put money or your work above your spouse and family. Don’t let your heart lust after the beauty of another woman (Proverbs 6:25). The Bible says, “If riches increase, do not set your heart on them” (Psalms 62:10).
Set your heart. The apostle Paul taught, “Set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God” (Colossians 3:1). It’s time to identify where you heart needs to be and then choose to set your heart on those things. You say, “But I don’t really want to invest in my marriage. I’d rather be doing this or that.” I know. You’ve set your heart on that in the past and you are stuck in a “follow your heart” mentality. But you don’t have to let your feelings lead you any more. Lust is when you set your heart on something that is wrong and forbidden. You can choose to take your heart off the wrong things and set it on what is right.
Invest your heart. Don’t wait until you feel like doing the right thing. Don’t wait until you feel in love with your spouse to invest in your relationship. Start pouring into your marriage and investing where your heart is supposed to be. Spend time with your spouse. Buy gifts. Write letters. Go on dates. The more you invest, the more your heart will value your relationship. This is what the Love Dare is all about – forty days of leading your heart back to loving your spouse.
When I was younger I think I entertained the thought of how cheesy it felt to devote so much time to family and marriage. Sometimes it can sound spiritual to put the family down, as if it’s not that big of a deal compared to other things in the kingdom of God. After all, Jesus did say that the kingdom would pit families against each other, etc. The emphasis there is loving God more than anyone else – including our family. But it’s narrow-minded, blind and wrong to think this somehow minimizes the importance of these relationships. One glimpse into Scripture and the vast amount of words devoted to marriage and family should dispel that myth. And God has a way of giving us love for others when we love Him first. The love we have for others is not manufactured, it flows from His heart through ours to others. It’s quite beautiful.
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